I’ve Found Myself
Anyone who’s ever met me, knows me and has asked me the question “what do you want out of life? what’s your dream?” they know what my response is. It’s an answer that in my 24 years on this earth has not changed no matter how you phrase it, what stage I’m in or what I’m currently going through. My dream has always been to get married and have a family.
It’s always been in the back of my mind, something I’ve always talked about and the answer is no, I’m not seeing anyone at the moment. I haven’t been in a relationship in 7 years now. It’s bothered me that I haven’t settled down yet, but granted I’ve been wanting this for as long as I can remember and it’s naïve because I know I’m young, not to mention that back then, there was no way I was ready for that kind of commitment.
However, it’s made the last couple of years difficult for me because now I’m looking at everything I’ve ever wanted happen to everyone around me, leaving me on the sidelines. There’s been moments where I’ve even felt embarrassed about my current relationship status but I usually discard that thought right after.
Don’t get me wrong, I have never felt so much pride and happiness for my loved ones who are experiencing these monumental moments and being given the opportunity to celebrate alongside them is an honor. They deserve it more than anything, but I also can’t lie and say that every pregnancy announcement, every anniversary celebration, every wedding invitation and proposal doesn’t strike me in the place that’s always kept my one wish a constant.
For a moment I kept thinking, am I really that undeserving? Have I really loved the wrong way to not be given it now? Do my parents not deserve to enjoy their grandkids and my brother to be called Tio for the first time? I know they’re just lies. I know my time will come and when it does, it’s going to be more than I ever could imagine because I know that’s what I deserve. And let me tell you, it hits me on a daily basis because every day, it’s a new announcement that I see from someone else so it’s a constant reminder that I’m just not there yet. I wanna be. God! Do I wanna be…
Single is not a status. It is a word that describes a person who is strong enough to live and enjoy life without depending on others.Prixie
But you wanna know something? Even though it has been hard and my thoughts try to turn negative, start questioning and I feel that longing, I know deep down there was a lot of growing and learning to do and hell, maybe there still is. Maybe God thinks I need a little more time or maybe He’s trying to prepare my future husband because he’s not ready. I don’t know. There are so many questions that I don’t have the exact answers for… but I know they have answers regardless. That’s why I have hope.
When I finally came to that realization and acceptance, I began to embrace me, as a woman, as an individual, as all things I am outside of being in a relationship. I developed new dreams a long the way and I began to fall in love with myself. I began to fall in love with life rather than a human being which is something I’ve never done before. I fell in love with my hobbies, my goals, with time and the beauty of what it means to be single. The process of molding yourself before you begin the chapter of falling in love with someone and starting a new life together.
Find yourself before you find the one
I’ve learned to appreciate this time in a way that makes me not take it for granted. I strongly encourage everyone who is single to make that experience last as long as they can, to truly find themselves and not allow the loneliness to trick you into thinking it’s the worst thing in the world because it’s not.
It’s a beautiful journey filled with teachings and memories and stories you’ll want to share with your future family. The time you have now is one that you’ll never get back. Time that won’t be the same when you’re giving yourself to someone else. Time that will allow you to heal, reflect and flourish.
Find yourself before you find the one. Love yourself before you love the one. Choose yourself before you choose the one. Once you’ve done that, remember to not fear this stage in your life and anxiously wait for the next one to begin. The good kind of anxious of course. The one that makes you excited for what’s to come.