I don’t think that anyone really understands what it’s like to be someone with anxiety, unless they suffer from it. It’s become so intertwined with everyday stress or nervousness that people no longer see it as an actual illness.
When it comes to the people in my life, I’ve gotten so good at hiding it that they’re shocked to know I have it, or don’t believe I actually do, and that tends to add a whole other level and chaos to it all.
Every morning is a battle with myself to get out of bed. Six am my alarm goes off and sequentially for the next four hours, it beeps every ten minutes. With each snooze, I promise to get up but I continue to hide under the covers, dreading the day.
Once I finally get up, I take a shower if I have the energy. Some days taking off all my clothes, shampooing my hair, and picking out something new to wear is just to much. I usually settle for contacts in my eyes, some foundation on my face, and a scrunchie in my hair and call that good.
College has really screwed with me because I’m not legally obligated to be there or constantly nagged at by my parents to actually go and get good grades. It’s this weird paradox where I am constantly anxious about grades and flunking out of college, but also having absolutely no energy to go.
I think my boyfriend gets the worst of it honestly. He constantly has do deal with my panic attacks, my endless crying over absolutely nothing, when I get so angry I hit walls or try to hurt myself in some way just trying to release all the tension inside of me.
I would consider my self high functioning with my anxiety but I still, without fail, tell him every weekend we are going to go out and do something and then I stay inside my house all day refusing to leave.
It’s been hard. I want to be a chemistry teacher someday so I am hoping at one point, there will be a “learning curve” of sorts that will help me find some strength.
As for now I have some very loyal and caring people in my life who try and hold me together while I continuously fall apart, and I am forever grateful for them. My journey is still going and I’m just hoping for a happy ending.
Ashlun
