I remember the day I found out I was pregnant. I am still not ready to go into details about my mother’s reaction or even rushing over on that summer night in 2007 with my boyfriend’s best friend at the time, to give him the horrifying/exciting news.
I do remember how his blue eyes reflected fear and devastation…but that is all I am able to write at this moment as far as detail.
What’s even worse than finding out you are pregnant at 17? Probably almost everyone, besides your mother, sisters, and best friend, telling you that an abortion was the only way you were going to get this issue out of the way.
I knew at the time I was going to be honest during the psychological test administered when you go through the process of having an abortion…I knew I was going to tell them I wanted to keep the child.
Unfortunately, everyone knew. And in an incident, that seemed to be an accident…or, at least, that is what my boyfriend at the time led me to believe, I miscarried. I lost the baby I had dreamed of after only cuddling with the bf and talking about names.
People at school who heard about the incident spread around that I had an abortion and was just sneaking sympathy, but instead should feel shame.
Even if I had had an abortion, there is NEVER any reason any woman should feel ashamed of her choice for her body. You can tell the type of people I went to school with and you know the type.
I might not have gone into detail about my story, but that is because I want to focus on you as a woman who might go through this at some point in your life.
Do not let anyone make you feel shame or try and tell you what you should do. Please trust your gut. You are the one who will carry and experience the miracle of giving life. You are strong and amazing no matter what decision you intend on making.
I do believe in God and believe I was not meant to be a mommy at that time in my life, which is why things played out the way they did. I would have never experienced so many other wonderful things I have in my life now if I would have had my, now, 10-year-old child.
I might not ever get to experience something I really wanted, but was snatched from my womb by fate and hate.
I do, however, want to say to the child I never got to hold or have:
‘Mommy would have loved you with her whole heart…but you weren’t meant to be. She would have done her very best even if she felt her best wasn’t good enough. She would have treated you like a princess (or prince but I believe I was supposed to have a girl.)
No monster could have touched you in your imagination or in this sick world. And above everything else, you would have learned first and foremost how to love.’
Thank you, Triumphant, for giving me the space to share this story. No matter how hard it was.
Brettina
