What I’m about to say may not make sense to you but I’ll try and explain it as best as I can. I’ve never been one to be highly open about my insecurities. However, there was one thing I always did (especially at work) that somehow became my security blanket.
I constantly apologized. I apologized for not being knowledgeable about certain things. I apologized for being who I was. I apologized for making mistakes. I apologized constantly…for things I never needed to say sorry for. For things that hadn’t even happened yet.
But it made me feel better. It made me feel, almost peaceful in warning people that I wasn’t perfect. That I knew there were better candidates but that I’d do my best and try. That they could expect failure from me because I gave them the heads up.
It sounds pretty horrible but that’s what I would do. The problem with my thought process wasn’t that I warned people I wasn’t perfect because, obviously, no one is. But in doing that and saying those kinds of words, I was belittling myself in the worst possible way and I didn’t even realize I was doing it until now. It’s one thing to have another person bully you… but to have your own mind betray and hate you the way mine did? I was honestly disgusted and very much hurt by my own person.
We’re going to have to let truth scream louder to our souls than the lies that have infected us
Beth Moore, So Long, Insecurity: You’ve Been a Bad Friend to Us
One of my biggest insecurities has always been my lack of confidence, specifically, in my capabilities. Before, voicing that insecurity as a weapon against myself to other people made me feel safe (confusing, but it did). But now, I’m fighting against the original use of that weapon and allowing myself to embrace the journey of discovering that confidence that was hidden beneath those hateful words.
I may not have the confidence at the level I want YET, but I’m slowly working my way there and I can’t tell you how empowering it is to be doing it on my own. Sometimes you have to let those insecurities be your motivation and embrace the journey that will eliminate them one by one. They shouldn’t be something you’d want to hide (even though they don’t always give us the best kind of feeling) or be embarrassed and afraid of.
Sometimes you have to let those insecurities be your motivation
I know, easier said than done… but it can be done. Instead of telling myself, “Damn, there’s people more qualified, more experienced, more knowledgeable, more special than me,” I tell myself, “I’m here, I’m the one that’s been given the chance, it’s not that I’ll prove myself but I’ll prove it TO myself, I can do it.
”This isn’t a lesson I learned just in terms of my work environment. It applies to all areas of my life and I’m so grateful it’s a lesson that I’m so close to receiving an A on. Right now I’ll give my self an E for effort and a B for my current state of mind. What’s yours?
