Sometimes your only means to escape is creating a world that doesn’t exist. The first poem I shared with you described that time in my life to a T. The negative energy that surrounded my life forced me to create a world inside my head that made me feel safe. It wasn’t about closing my eyes and being in a place where I could completely be myself to feel happiness.
It was the opposite. I would dream of being the person I always wanted to be in real life so that others would love and accept me. I could change every aspect of who I am without the fear of others taking away my peace of mind. I was fearless. But just as I described in my poem, that world was so deceptive. It was equally depressing as it was comforting. Not only was it isolating, but it created a false sense of security that only made things worse when I was reminded that it wasn’t real.
First find out what you are capable of, then decide who you are.Tara Westover
As I’ve always said, the mind can be a terrifying place so when things weren’t being looked at through rose-colored glasses, it became a dark, black whole with voices that only grew louder the longer I allowed myself to stay. Those voices were the evil ones. The ones that manipulated me and toyed with me for many years. So in the end, there really wasn’t an escape…except through my writing.
Now the second poem I had written, summarized my journey then which is still relevant to this day. When I wrote it, I hadn’t gone through half the things that got me to where I am today yet. It was just the beginning. It was a beginning filled with hope. I had already learned so much but there was no expiration date for the amount of growing I still had to do. The thing is, you never really stop.
It’s been difficult to say the least but all that I’ve learned has been the key to who I am and what I represent. I’m not the same person I was 15 years ago, or 10 years ago or hell, even 5 years ago. I wrote it not knowing what lied ahead of me. Not knowing I would be going through yet another heartbreak, struggling with where I belonged, fighting against the darkness that tried to pull me back in again, or being told that my father has cancer. The worst was finding out what reality was really like during the time my world existed because I was too focused on trying to fight off my own demons. That’s been a hard pill to swallow.
I’m no longer chained
I still have my off days. I still feel pain, and struggle with certain thoughts that try and attack me, but one thing that’s immensely different is that I’m no longer chained. I feel light. I’m no longer weighed down by my burdens or the voices. I am where I’m meant to be right now and who I am is something no one could ever compare to because I know my value. I know I’m enough. That’s one thing that I will never question again. I’m finally free.
These poems can resonate with anyone in some way depending on where they’re at in their journey. You may be living the first one right now, but one thing I want to make very clear is that you have all the power in the world to live the second one. No one could ever compare to you because you’re everything they could never be. You’re unique and that’s how it should be.
You’re enough and that should never be questioned. Don’t be scared of the journey because of the unknowns and what you may or may not encounter. Dance in the rain, be still in the silence, and yell on the mountaintop. Embrace every step of the path you’re on because you’ll miss out on the beauty of becoming who you are if you don’t.