Remember when I mentioned that I tend to not have control over my smiling face or fits of laughter? That even in the most uncomfortable situations, you’ll still find my lips lifting at the corners, not because I find anything funny but simply because I don’t have control over my emotions that well.
It’s very frustrating… like extremely frustrating. To the point that it actually puts extra stress on me because those two aren’t the only thing I don’t have control over. My tears are probably the biggest obstacle to overcome. Yes, crying. I cry over everything. I cry when I’m mad, I cry when I’m hurt, I cry when I’m happy, I cry when I’m laughing and I still have not figured out a way to get handle on it.
I don’t think crying is a sign of weakness, by any means… but in my situation, the knot in my throat and the tears in my eyes imprison me in a way that won’t allow me to express myself the way I need to. If someone offends me or disrespects me, the logical thing to do is react with “oh no you didn’t!” In my head, that’s my initial reaction after the situation takes place, but because I know myself too well, the minute I react, the tears will soon follow.
To me, that’s highly embarrassing. Trying to tell someone “WTF did you just say to me,” while getting the hitch in my voice and welling in my eyes, DOES make me feel weak, not to mention, look weak. It prevents me from speaking up and robs me of my own personal right to protect myself. And I do have a temper… but right now, it’s not stronger than the tears. So what do I do in those situations like the one that happened recently?
I freeze up. I stay quiet. I become a “doormat,” (someone else’s words, not mine.) What I should’ve done, and the reaction that many people usually give is, “Excuse me? How could you say something like that?” But my fear of looking and sounding like an idiot kept me from opening my mouth and defending myself. So instead, I just let it go.
Those who mistrust their own abilities are being too wicked to themselves, discouraging themselves from doing what they should have been excelling in.Israelmore Ayivor
It isn’t the first time it’s happened and I have to be honest and say that I think this is God’s next challenge for me. It’s actually been something that I’ve wanted to overcome for a very long time, I just don’t know how. My crying isn’t the core problem, but rather how sensitive I am. How emotional I am towards life and the experiences that come with it.
If I don’t learn how to get a handle on my emotions, I know it’ll make me suffer further down the road. Unfortunately it’s not something I can change because that’s a part of who I am and what makes me me, but it is something that I can have power over. I just gotta find the strength and techniques to overcome it.
There’s no one like you in this world
Even though I don’t have the answer to my question right now, I want to leave you with this. For a long time, I was angry with my emotions and my sensitive heart. I wished I could change it because I figured it would make my life so much easier… but I found the beauty in who I am in regards to that (which can be discussed in a later post).
You don’t have to change who you are, you might just have to make certain adjustments. You were created a certain way for a reason. There’s no one like you in this world, but there can always be room for improvement, right? That’s what life is all about: learning and growing and becoming the best version of yourself you can be.